How to Belong When You Don't Feel You Belong

Written in Collaboration with Shadow’s Edge’s Suhailey Núñez

If you had to describe to someone who didn’t know you what it feels like to live in this world as yourself, how would you answer it? Would it bring about feelings of happiness and pride, or sadness and shame? Maybe you’d feel indifferent about it?

There are so many moving parts that make up our identity, and one can assume that throughout our lives these parts of our identity interact and influence one another. The unfair part comes when we are judged (or judge ourselves because of society pressure!!) and are treated less than because of something that we have no control over, but simply because of who we are.

Perhaps you’ve felt rejected when someone laughed at your hobby, disregarded a favorite personality trait, or put-down your personal opinion on something you feel strongly about. Or maybe you’ve been judged based on the color of your skin, by the type of hair that grows out of your head, by the language you speak or your abilities/disabilities, your gender identity, gender expression, religious identity, or even immigration status. And even though it may not have been directly said to you, maybe you’ve felt as though you didn’t belong just by walking into certain rooms.

There’s a lot of stigmas that can plague these parts of ourselves, and we end up feeling alone in a world of 7+ billion people (and even rejecting our authentic selves in an effort to ‘fit in’). Here are a few of our favorite exercises to work on building self-acceptance and a sense of belonging:

Talk to Me Nice!

Imagine that your mind was an actual person, separate from yourself. And like your mind, this person followed you every second of every day. Now tell me, what kind of company is this person? Are they uplifting and motivating you during times of difficulty? Or are they being overly critical of you and doubting your every move? What others tell us can be hurtful, but what we repeat to ourselves can hurt us even more. As we continue to repeat a hurtful message in our minds, we are more likely to believe it to be true even when they aren’t based on facts.

The first step in challenging negative self-talk is to separate feelings from facts and recognize that other people’s opinions are just that; other people’s opinions. Start to notice when you feel more positive about yourself, and when you feel drained. What type of people and environment influence these changes? Family and friends are not exempt from your boundaries. Your boundaries are there to protect you and surround you with people who are willing to respect you and earn your trust.

Practicing daily positive affirmations can help serve as a reminder that you matter, and that you are more than the stereotypes and assumptions people make of you.

“Name It to Tame It”

It’s normal to have a strong emotional and even physical reaction when feeling dismissed, isolated, and unheard. We’re often taught to avoid “negative” emotions like anger, sadness, or fear because of the belief that they are signs of weakness and can be uncomfortable to experience. It’s important to recognize that all emotions are human reactions, and rather than working to avoid them we can find power in labeling them and learning from them. “Name it to tame it” was a phrase put together by Dr. Daniel Siegal to describe the importance of identifying emotions to avoid feeling overwhelmed or stuck. Try carving out five minutes a day to check in on yourself and see how you are doing and feeling.

Finding Your Tribe

I’m here to tell you that differences can exist beneficially. When we are a part of something that fosters our sense of belonging it can increase self-esteem and resiliency, decrease feelings of loneliness, and improve our overall mental health. It’s important to acknowledge the unique struggles that come with who we are, while also recognizing that belonging to a community can be a big source of strength. If we only focus on the spaces and messages that tell us we are not enough, it can affect how we move and exist in the world.

It’s OK to put some distance and seek out people that you can relate with and are accepting if the people in your circle aren’t being supportive of you. If the work you’re doing causes you to feel down about who you are, look into jobs or activities that make you feel good and motivate you to celebrate yourself. Download the Blue Fever App to learn about one of the many teen support groups out there that can over you a space to connect with others like you and work on strengthening your social support systems. They offer youth Mental Health Chat AI, peer-to-peer support and a safe place to be you most authentic self, mood trackers, and much more!

Wanting to belong is an inherit part of being human. If those around you refuse to and uplift you, redirect your energy away from them and towards people who are willing to see the world through your lens.